The YESS Institute

Are you speaking the right Love Language?

Do you wonder why volunteers or co-workers feel disregarded or unappreciated while you are sure you have done everything to show your appreciation? As the classic movie line from Cool Hand Luke says, “What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.”

Have you ever thought that you might be speaking a different “Love Language?” It’s like you were speaking Russian and the other person only understands English.  The popular book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a creative approach to solving miscommunications in relationships. Millions of people have improved their relationships with the tools that Chapman has provided.

You can apply the same principle to the nonprofit realm. In a world of underpaid staff, stretched volunteers and overcommitted donors, acknowledgement is not just important, it is essential. The question is: are you acknowledging in a language the other person feels? Maybe the actual recognition that a donor or volunteer—to whom you have dutifully been sending thank-you cards–wants is to have quality time with you in a face-to-face meeting.

Chapman’s  Five Love Languages are:

 Words
This is the most used and assumed way to communicate acknowledgement: Great job; thank you; keep up the good work; excellent idea; I like your approach; you did a wonderful job mentoring this student. This Love Language can come in the obvious form of a conversation, but also through personal handwritten thank-you notes, emails, mention in newsletters or at events, etc. 

 Quality Time
Time is probably one of the most valuable assets and a key Love Language. When meeting with people, stop looking at your computer or phone. Avoid distractions, listen, make eye contact, and demonstrate that you are there for the other person, giving them your undivided attention. Co-workers with this Love Language look to be heard during face-to-face meetings; volunteers want a personal meeting with staff to discuss his/her contribution, and donors like to get updates in person.

 Acts of Service
This Language comes naturally to people who are attracted to the nonprofit world.  With this language, we nurture our relationships by doing things for and serving the other person. In this Language we feel most regarded and loved when someone does something for us; this is also how we express our caring for someone. Examples are staying late helping another staff member meet a deadline, cleaning the break room at the office, or driving someone to an event.

Touch
Since Chapman’s book focuses on personal relationships, this Language is a key component in that realm of our lives. It applies less to professional relationships, of course. Still, within boundaries of appropriateness, some people will show their approval by giving a hug, touching your arm, or shoulder pat for job well done.

Gifts
We all love giving and receiving gifts. But some people love them more than others, making gifts one of their core Love Languages. Acknowledge your staff by giving them a Starbucks gift card; giving sports tickets to a mentor; awards, certificates; buying a treat for a youth after s/he achieved a goal; acknowledging a donor with a nice plaque.

Here are some suggestions to apply the model of the Five Love Languages in the nonprofit realm:

 1.  Find out what your personal Love Language is. Observe yourself. How do you acknowledge others? That is in most cases the same Love Language you like to experience when being acknowledged. (If you’re not sure, think about what you prefer most from loved ones and/or family. Do you most value words, time, gifts, touch, or acts of service? Do your loved ones understand which is your favorite Language?)

2.  Identify the Love Language of your staff. At your next staff or teambuilding meeting, include an exercise for people to discover their preferred Language. In what form do they tend to acknowledge others and how do they like to be acknowledged?

3.  What is the Love Language of your key supporters such as volunteers and donors? As you might not have the opportunity to do a teambuilding exercise with them to find out, try to listen and observe. How do they express their caring for others, and how do they acknowledge you or express their gratefulness?

4.  As the saying goes, “It’s not about you.” People might hear but not feel your acknowledgement when you don’t express it in their Love Language. Speak to others in their preferred Love Language, not yours.

5.  Nurture, acknowledge, and love yourself in your Love Language. Don’t wait for others to do so. It will help you go the distance and avoid burnout!

This year I have promised myself to be a part of the beloved community building world by giving all I have got to the kids I serve at Lincoln High School. The kids that I work with also includes students who come from various backgrounds including homeless, poverty and gang violence. Last month I had an opportunity to learn about my student's reasoning behind his involvement in gang. I came to find out that he joined the gang because of the lack of family bonds and went to the street in search for the sense of bond. It was very heart touching moment for me to witness that being part of the program I run, he was able to look forward to after school mentoring session and found a new positive community where he could belong. I was very proud of myself to see that I was able to welcome him to the YESS community and influence positive change in him.

Caption: A Lincoln HS mentor shows us one of her projects

The YESS peer mentoring program has been successful in breaking and changing the negative cycle of poverty, dropout and violence to a positive cycle of leadership development, civic engagement and academic excellence in Abraham Lincoln High School.  The success has been evident by the testimonials of our past mentees and mentors.  YESS Mentoring helped Jackie to break away from her involvement with the gang called "Pink Lady."  She says, "YESS Mentoring was a life changing experience for me both as a mentee and a mentor and I highly encourage freshman who are struggling to utilize this program.  The mentors are there by choice because they want to help.  So trust htem and they will provide all the support they can."  Similarly, Flor Marin Perez, who was a YESS mentor from 2006 – 2009 says, "Joining YESS Institute was one of the best things that could've happened to me during high school.  It gave me a chance to socialize more with students I had never even realized went to Lincoln.  I made my enemies become my friends and most importantly, I realized that there were also other people with the same family and life issues like me and sometimes some students had it even worse.  The experience helped me grow as a person."

This year, we have 25 mentors and 25 mentees.  The mentors are juniors and seniors, who are not only academically accomplished, but also very involved in extracurricular activities including National Honor Society, leadership clubs and sports.  Similarly the mentees we are working with include freshmen that are at risk of dropping out of school.  Through peer-to-peer mentoring and helping students to acquire emotional intelligence, we not only improve the mentees' attendance, but also help them to reach their full academic and social potential.

Furthermore, the most amazing aspects of the program are the mentors, who are providing a positive role model for these kids.  They are leaving no stones unturned to make them come to school.  Besides helping them with academics and motivating them to succeed, the mentors are not afraid to even chase the mentee down the halls to remind them not to miss classes and reinforce positive belief in their abilities.  For instance, one of the curect mentees had a bad grade in his first period, as he could never wake up early to make it to class.  His mentor gifted him an alarm clock and told him, "Every morning when this alarm clock rings, remember I am counting on you and believe that you can wake up and make it on time."  Indeed, a very touching moment to witness the extent our mentors go to help the mentees to succeed.

Sampada